18 January 2007

A Destiny Worse Than Fate

where's an oracle when you need one?

I never thought that I could be accepted into God's kingdom. I resigned to the fact that a happy, normal afterlife would be as inaccessible to me as a happy, normal mortal life. I never thought to fight for my place in the kingdom. The church is a constant, immutable thing. I know that things like polygamy and blacks in the priesthood had changed but that was by divine revelation and I am not the source of such revelation.

Having accepted homosexuality as a part of me and having done so early in life I also made a conscious realization that I wouldn’t share a place with my family in heaven.* Maybe God would reveal to the church a new position on homosexuality.

Could it all just be wishful thinking? Nobody wants to end up in hell. I guess that I just placed my destiny in God's hands and that was it. I never doubted I was born this way and by extension never doubted He made me this way. Whatever His plan for me, I am bound to it. If that sounds like an immutable destiny let me assure you I fully understand the concept of personal agency. But if homosexuality is part of His plan for me, part of His design, am I to suffer unendingly the hostile pronouncements of those in church leadership? Am I to risk excommunication by meeting a special someone and sharing my life with him? I may not be up to the task.

I’m not up to the task. I want to be but I'm just not. I fear what the church will do to me. I removed my self from church activity years ago. Though I cling to both my church ancestry and gospel principles I cant help feel like a cargo ship with out a GPS locator. I certainly believe I know how to sail but I'm not fooling myself into believing that the human soul doesn’t need constant updates and course corrections.

*Now that I have read more literature in the gay Mormon community I wonder if maybe I might access heaven after all. There are popular theories and estimations pronounced amongst them that make it seem so.


good tune

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