26 October 2007

X-ed Men

someone else beat me to the punch in posting these videos. sorry someone else, I don't mean to steal your thunder.

I know a good mix of gay guys. Some are young some are old. Some have been out for years and some are just starting to come out. Some of them are celibate* and some have boyfriends. Some live in their parent's basement and some cross-dress with women's jeans. It's the usual mix, I suppose.

I don't know a single ex-gay, though. It's one category I've never been acquainted with. I do know several straight-married gays but not a single one of them identifies as "ex-gay." They're more likely to describe themselves as "committed to a straight relationship" then "ex-gay."

Finally someone has come along to explain the ex-gays to me.

Thank you, Jon Stewart and Jason Jones. I finally understand the ex-gay phenomenon.

*A temporary condition if ever there was one.


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19 October 2007

Do These Genes Make Me Look Gay?

"the most dangerous leadership myth is that leaders are born-that there is a genetic factor to leadership. this myth asserts that people simply either have certain charismatic qualities or not. that's nonsense; in fact, the opposite is true. leaders are made rather than born." -Warren G. Bennis

Over at Northern Lights some interesting ideas have been discussed in the My Genes Made Me Do It post:

  • Epigenetics
  • Twin Studies
  • Simple Science
  • Single Gene Theory
  • Dean A. Byrd is an idiot.
I can't help but chafe at the notion that any of this matters.* Wouldn't a single gene, once identified, be screened, cleaned, and "perfected" before birth? Or would all the gay babies merely be aborted? Probably whichever is cheaper.

I do understand the importance of asking, "Why?" It's human nature to take nothing at face value. We are compelled to find the cause of homosexuality even at the expense of learning to understand homosexuality itself.

Try as I might to avoid it, I think I may believe it. Genetics hold the key to pretty much everything in life so why not this?

"Can you honestly believe that GLBT persons are not created as such at birth? Can you in your heart-of-hearts, in your very soul, honestly believe that Heavenly Father would be so unfeeling and unjust as to create a person, innately GLBT, and then create LDS Churches whose dogmas... and rules would forever deny that GLBT person salvation, love, and the glory of Heavenly Father's kingdom, simply because of a simple aspect of their lives, instilled and created by that very same Heavenly Father? " - Phillip J. Ferrara, Sr.

Alas, I think it may be true, Phillip. I think it may be true.

*Except the thing about Dean A. Byrd being an idiot. That matters.


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13 October 2007

The Story of Austin

the following* is an excerpt from "I am America"

My name is Austin, and I am a reformed homosexual.

I was only six years old the first time I chose to pervert nature. I was with my mother at the bike store, and I decided to feel a thrill of excitement when I noticed a shiny purple Schwinn with plastic flowers on the basket.

From that point on, I chose to feel different fron the other boys in my class. Until the age of twelve, I merely elected to feel a vague sense of not quite fitting in. But then, when my puberty hit, I resolved to be alienated from and picked on by my male peers.

I kept up this sinful pattern well into my twenties. I chose the urges that mane my father stop talking to me; I selected the longings that led a group of morally stronger men to beat me up in a parking lot; O even picked up the sense of contentment I felt during a three-year live-in relationship with an older man. But all that time, I knew I was living against God’s will. And so, I tried everything I could think of to turn straight.

I went on dates with women. I joined a fantasy sports league. I changed the shape of my moustache.


I even tried hormone therapy to raise my testosterone levels. All this did was make me go fat and bald, which, in addition to my pale skin and short stature, turned me into what’s known in the gay community as a “garbanzo bean.” In lesbian circles they’re called “chickpeas.”

Then one day at Hot Yoga, I saw a flier on the Community Board about a gay rehabilitation group called God Also Yearns. They teach God desires us to accept the true path of love.

I took the plunge and entered their proven three-part program:

  • Accept the authority of your spiritual counselors: They not only condemned my wicked acts, but also sternly judged my clothing and income level.
  • Admit your sins: To purge them, I wrote them down. It became a very popular blog.
  • Submit to a higher power: This consisted mostly of electroshock.
The God Also Yearns counselors said I could be completely cured if I attended their four-week rehabilitation camp. I could only afford a two-week course. They said that would also do the trick.

They were right. At the camp, I joined in healing acts of Christian heterosexual fellowship such as heterosexual cookouts and heterosexual trust falls. The highlight of the two weeks was performing in the camp’s traditional-values version of Rent, called Lent. I played Wally, the Republican Senator who casts the deciding vote for the marriage Protection Amendment. I’ve never clogged with such passion.

My God Also Yearns counselors taught me that homosexuality is an addiction like smoking, only you can still do it on an airplane. To quit you have to go Cold Turkey, by imagining that your homosexual partner is a slimy, puckered, cold turkey. Unless you’re into “cold turkeys,” in which case you definitely need the four-week course.

Today, I am married to a wonderful woman, Afke. I don’t need to hide my shameful past from her. During the physical act of love I will often talk about it just to remind us both how much better it is with a girl.

I also call in to a number of radio shows.

I hope my story is inspiring to any homosexuals who have bought this book not to read, but to carry as a signal to other homosexuals that they are willing to be approached and seduced. This book’s distinctive cover would make it exceptionally good for that, but take it from me: there is another choice.

*I am america (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert is now available for sale.


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03 October 2007

The Return of the Dread Questions

How you can help? By filling in the blanks, of course!

First, there are many questions missing witty Perfect Answers. There can be more than one Perfect Answer per Dread Question so feel free to submit your ideas.

Don’t forget stories! Some people, like Edgy, have funny stories about answering the Dread Questions.

Lastly, there are more Dread Questions out there than what we’ve come up with so far. If you know of one that’s not on this list be sure to mention it!


Dread Question 1: "Should we have recognized the signs?"

  • Yes, you should have. You should have known when I dropped out of coach pitch I was gay. You should have known that when I didn't like my Jr. High math class I was gay. You should have known that when I refused to go to my Senior Prom because I was saving for my mission I was a raving queen.
  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 2: "Are you sexually active?/Do you have an STD?"

  • “When I came out, I got a variation of Question 2 from my father. Actually, it wasn't a question. It was the Safe Sex Talk. In the middle of a restaurant. I was 31.” -Edgy
  • Perfect Answer: Are you sexually active? "No I just lay there!" -Jacob Mathews

Dread Question 3: "Are you attracted to me?"

  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 4: "Why would you choose that?" (submitted by Drex)

  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 5: "Can't you just decide to like girls?" (submitted by Drex)

  • “When I told a friend of mine, he said, "Well, did you ever think that maybe it's because you don't date women? I mean, have you ever tried being attracted to them?" That was a fun conversation. Yeah, I'm gay because I don't date women. Yep, that's how it works. And if only I'd just thought to try being attracted to women and not men. I should really give that a try sometime!” -iwonder
  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 6: “Are you viewing pornography?" (submitted by Abelard)

  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 7: “Why didn't you tell me sooner?” (submitted by Beck)

  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 8: “When did you really know?” (submitted by Beck)

  • Perfect Answer:

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