03 October 2007

The Return of the Dread Questions

How you can help? By filling in the blanks, of course!

First, there are many questions missing witty Perfect Answers. There can be more than one Perfect Answer per Dread Question so feel free to submit your ideas.

Don’t forget stories! Some people, like Edgy, have funny stories about answering the Dread Questions.

Lastly, there are more Dread Questions out there than what we’ve come up with so far. If you know of one that’s not on this list be sure to mention it!

+++

Dread Question 1: "Should we have recognized the signs?"

  • Yes, you should have. You should have known when I dropped out of coach pitch I was gay. You should have known that when I didn't like my Jr. High math class I was gay. You should have known that when I refused to go to my Senior Prom because I was saving for my mission I was a raving queen.
  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 2: "Are you sexually active?/Do you have an STD?"

  • “When I came out, I got a variation of Question 2 from my father. Actually, it wasn't a question. It was the Safe Sex Talk. In the middle of a restaurant. I was 31.” -Edgy
  • Perfect Answer: Are you sexually active? "No I just lay there!" -Jacob Mathews

Dread Question 3: "Are you attracted to me?"

  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 4: "Why would you choose that?" (submitted by Drex)

  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 5: "Can't you just decide to like girls?" (submitted by Drex)

  • “When I told a friend of mine, he said, "Well, did you ever think that maybe it's because you don't date women? I mean, have you ever tried being attracted to them?" That was a fun conversation. Yeah, I'm gay because I don't date women. Yep, that's how it works. And if only I'd just thought to try being attracted to women and not men. I should really give that a try sometime!” -iwonder
  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 6: “Are you viewing pornography?" (submitted by Abelard)

  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 7: “Why didn't you tell me sooner?” (submitted by Beck)

  • Perfect Answer:
Dread Question 8: “When did you really know?” (submitted by Beck)

  • Perfect Answer:
+++

good tune
http://djpretzel.web.aplus.net/songs/Street_Fighter_2_CE_Credits_Theme_%28One_Credit_Finish_Mix%29_OC_ReMix.mp3

6 comments:

Kengo Biddles said...

Okay, most are dumb, but they're what came to mind.

1: I thought of flaming pink neon, but it was too expensive. I had to resort to more subtle measures. You know, being a drama geek, a band geek, a choir geek, turning in band members for watching straight-porn on band tour ...

2: Define active? Does it count as active if I'm the only one there?

3: (picture Ben Stein speaking this one) Yes. Oh, yes. Oh baby. Take me now.

4: Why would you choose to be straight? Ew!

5: Yes, of course. * smacking forehead with palm * What a fool I've been! Had I only known! All the years of self-hate, and I could've just decided!

6: Viewing is such a judgment-charged term ... I prefer to say "being molested by pornography."

7: Why didn't you tell me you were straight sooner?

8: Well, I pretend-knew when I was 13, but I really knew the minute I saw "Too Wong Fu".

drex said...

1. I dunno, let's see if you learned your lesson: have you recognized the signs that you're gay?
3. Ew, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm into bestiality.
6. Right now? Are you about to striptease for me? I need advance warning so I can gouge my eyes out.
7. I wanted to give you time to purchase a quality torch and pitchfork.
8. It was around the forty-second time I fantasized about hot man sex....I'm sorry, was that too much information?

playasinmar said...

Wow! These are great! Keep up the good work.

MoHoHawaii said...

Dread question 9: "Why do you have to flaunt it?"

A: "Flaunt" or "shove it down our throats"-- you can only pick one. I'm going with "flaunt."

J G-W said...

1. When I came out in the History Dept. at the U. of Minnesota, one of my colleagues told me how a busy-body grad student approached her and said, "Did you hear about Wrathall? He's come out. This colleague replied totally serious, "I didn't know he was in."

2. Duh. And no. I try to avoid behavior that would result in me being both diseased and a pariah at the same time.

3. Who wouldn't be?

4. Just to annoy you, darling.

5. Actually, this is kind of like the first question that came out of my mother's mouth when I came out to her: "Aren't you at least just a little bisexual?" I was floored. I literally didn't know that the word "bisexual" was in my mother's vocabulary.

6. Only if you've posted it on your blog.

7. I thought you already knew. (See answer to 1.)

8. I pretty much figured it out by age 14. But I was really, really sure when, after years and years of dating women and not a single, itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny spark of romantic interest, I went on my first date with a guy and realized that I knew exactly what to do, without ever having read the manual.

Abelard Enigma said...

OK, here is my lame attempt at witty answers.

Dread Question 1: "Should we have recognized the signs?"

"Let's see, doesn't like sports, never dated in high school, band nerd, loves to cook, all the guys at school called me a fag and a queer, ... Nah."

Dread Question 2: "Are you sexually active?/Do you have an STD?"

"Should I be?"

"Yeah, wanna see my latest state transition diagram, it's so cool!"

Dread Question 3: "Are you attracted to me?"

"In your dreams."

"Nah, I'm only attracted to cute guys."

Dread Question 4: "Why would you choose that?"

"because straight guys are boring and queers are cool."

Dread Question 5: "Can't you just decide to like girls?"

"I tried, but girls are just too weird and guys are just too cute."

Dread Question 6: “Are you viewing pornography?"

"Um, define 'pornography'."

Dread Question 7: “Why didn't you tell me sooner?”

"Well, I was going to wait until I got a pair of stiletto pumps ..."

Dread Question 8: “When did you really know?”

If a girl is asking the question: "When I first looked at you."

If a guy is asking the question: "When I first looked at you."