My name is Austin, and I am a reformed homosexual.
I was only six years old the first time I chose to pervert nature. I was with my mother at the bike store, and I decided to feel a thrill of excitement when I noticed a shiny purple Schwinn with plastic flowers on the basket.
From that point on, I chose to feel different fron the other boys in my class. Until the age of twelve, I merely elected to feel a vague sense of not quite fitting in. But then, when my puberty hit, I resolved to be alienated from and picked on by my male peers.
I kept up this sinful pattern well into my twenties. I chose the urges that mane my father stop talking to me; I selected the longings that led a group of morally stronger men to beat me up in a parking lot; O even picked up the sense of contentment I felt during a three-year live-in relationship with an older man. But all that time, I knew I was living against God’s will. And so, I tried everything I could think of to turn straight.
I went on dates with women. I joined a fantasy sports league. I changed the shape of my moustache.
I even tried hormone therapy to raise my testosterone levels. All this did was make me go fat and bald, which, in addition to my pale skin and short stature, turned me into what’s known in the gay community as a “garbanzo bean.” In lesbian circles they’re called “chickpeas.”
Then one day at Hot Yoga, I saw a flier on the Community Board about a gay rehabilitation group called God Also Yearns. They teach God desires us to accept the true path of love.
I took the plunge and entered their proven three-part program:
- Accept the authority of your spiritual counselors: They not only condemned my wicked acts, but also sternly judged my clothing and income level.
- Admit your sins: To purge them, I wrote them down. It became a very popular blog.
- Submit to a higher power: This consisted mostly of electroshock.
They were right. At the camp, I joined in healing acts of Christian heterosexual fellowship such as heterosexual cookouts and heterosexual trust falls. The highlight of the two weeks was performing in the camp’s traditional-values version of Rent, called Lent. I played Wally, the Republican Senator who casts the deciding vote for the marriage Protection Amendment. I’ve never clogged with such passion.
My God Also Yearns counselors taught me that homosexuality is an addiction like smoking, only you can still do it on an airplane. To quit you have to go Cold Turkey, by imagining that your homosexual partner is a slimy, puckered, cold turkey. Unless you’re into “cold turkeys,” in which case you definitely need the four-week course.
Today, I am married to a wonderful woman, Afke. I don’t need to hide my shameful past from her. During the physical act of love I will often talk about it just to remind us both how much better it is with a girl.
I also call in to a number of radio shows.
I hope my story is inspiring to any homosexuals who have bought this book not to read, but to carry as a signal to other homosexuals that they are willing to be approached and seduced. This book’s distinctive cover would make it exceptionally good for that, but take it from me: there is another choice.
*I am america (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert is now available for sale.