26 July 2007

Maketh Me Sick

it may help in life to pause at any time, take a deep breath, and think of adowabol kitties before moving back to reality

The Church has released a new pamphlet about it’s gay members and everyone seems to be positively aflutter with positive energy! I, like most of “us,” appreciate the Church taking time to focus on one of “our” prime issues in life but I’m going to play Bad Cop: this is a bad pamphlet.*

First they say, "Same-gender attractions include deep emotional, social, and physical feelings," which is a huge acknowledgement. Really, it’s a huge statement and entirely true. It’s almost like saying, "There are no known differences between mixed and matching-orientation relationships." Almost.

Then they say, "...many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality, others may not be free of this challenge in this life."

That's total BS.

Assuming one person somewhere was made straight by the atonement, and that's a huge assumption, that one person would be statistically irrelevant!

The idea that the Atonement of Christ, Christianity’s defining moment, the pain that drew blood from the pores of the Savior, has cured and will cure "many Latter-day Saints" only serves to deeply wound the thousands upon thousands of people who have tried to change their orientation!

This next one is the Big One. The statement that gets me really riled up:

"You are best served by concentrating on the things you can presently understand and control, not wasting energy or enlarging frustration by worrying about that which God has not yet fully revealed."

Well, dangit, I'm not in charge of receiving revelation for the whole church, am I?!?

The faithful, gay members are leaving the church in droves and those who stay all to often kill themselves. Is this what God wants? Could God possibly want this?

Isn’t it time to ask God the really hard questions, GAs? The questions you may get answers to you may not want to hear. Remember, these questions aren't hard for God.

What the prophet asks the prophet gets answered. Actually, what the prophet asks for he prophet gets.

Nephi sealed the Heavens.
Brother Joseph got the manuscript.
And Brother Kimball got the ban on blacks with the priesthood lifted.

Anything but more of this, "Sorry, we don't know" stuff.

*And so we’re clear, this isn’t a matter of “not going far enough.” No, no. The Church isn’t making any strides at all. It’s the same old “Sorry, we can’t help you. Try to trudge along with the rest of the congregation” with a little less “Hit fags. After all, Somebody had to do it.”


good tune

19 July 2007

Steps Four, Five, and Six: Well I Guess You Just Don’t Give a

and yes, I have been listening to a lot of goldfinger lately

Step One: pretend you're straight.

Step Two: ask a priesthood authority if there is more to a relationship than the physical.

Step Three: sheepishly admit you already know there is.

Step Four: clarify the question by asking, "How much more is there to a relationship. Beyond the physical, how much is really there?"

As it turns out there is more. Much more. Tons more. Decades upon decades more.

It turns out a real relationship is more than a perpetual infatuation. True love endures when the desire for sex fades. Relationships are about eternal friendships/partnerships that share everything, strengthen one another, and are a critical part of the life of every child of god.

I wonder if his response would have been different if I had clarified I was really asking about a gay relationship. But a relationship’s a relationship, right? Companionship is instinctual, isn’t it? I mean, regardless of who we’re after what we need doesn’t change, does it? I bet the Bishop would have agreed with me.*

How could he possibly not?

*The Bishop has been pestering me to start dating for a while. I bet he'll be happy to hear if I start.


good tune

13 July 2007


I once worked in an open pit copper mine. Over the years the mine had been dug down one mile below the Arizona desert. It was really hot down there.
It was during my stint in that copper mine I developed my fear of Evil Mine Trucks. That’s me standing near one of the tires.
One of the gay stereotypes that I fit is my love of techno music. I have nearly 1400 techno tracks on my PC. Don’t try to cover me in glitter or expect to see me swinging glow sticks anytime soon.
I marched with a trumpet in a High School marching band that would put some DCI corps to shame. Blue Devils, I’m looking at you…
At one point just before my mission I knew every word to every song in Les Mis. To this day I’ve never seen the show.
When I was 11-years-old I began closely identifying with Alladin from the Disney musical. “His life was my life,” I thought. Today I have no idea why I thought that. I can’t imagine a single parallel in our lives.
I have never been hugged by Hug-Master Gimple. Nor have I ever seen him hug anyone…
I once threatened my little brother with a BB gun because he was swinging a fishing lure too close to me. When he didn’t stop I shot him in the leg.*
*This story is not true but I told it once at a “get to know your ward mixer” and it got a huge round of applause. Weird.

good tune

05 July 2007

Very Romantic Romance

another week finds me going back out on vacation so please enjoy seanbaby's reviews of 100% real books that actually exist


How To Be The Almost Perfect Husband*
*By Wives Who Know Women’s Advice on Pleasing Your Wife

This book, which I’ll call HTBTAPH*BWWKWAOPYW for short, is a compilation of advice taken from a thousand wives who were asked, “If you could tell someone how to be the almost perfect husband, what would you tell them?” In a perfect world, this would lead to a very usable list of things women want. However, in the world we live in, it’s one-hundred pages of jaded housewives complaining about the pigs they have to clean up after.

Sample Advice:

Alyson, a 68-year-old wife says, “Please! Put your teeth in your mouth before you kiss me. I’d rather be bitten than gummed!”

Why is Alyson wasting her time giving tips for this crappy compilation book? This is a woman who gets to remind her husband not to rub his toothless mummy gums against her; she could write an entire series of books on perfecting a marriage!

Realism: 9/10
With tips like, “When I’m talking to you, don’t point the TV remote and click it at me!”, you’re probably following most of this advice already. And if you’re not, there’s a good chance you don’t care.

Emasculation: 4/10
You can still feel like a man without scowling at meatloaf and clicking the TV remote at your nagging wife. However, the book still got an Emasculation rating of four because of the advice given by 47-year-old Sally. When I read, “Tell her you love her three times a day. ‘I love you’ is like mayonnaise. It has a very short shelf life,” it was so fruity that it turned my penis inside out.


You can read the rest of the article here.