Very Romantic Romance

another week finds me going back out on vacation so please enjoy seanbaby's reviews of 100% real books that actually exist

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How To Be The Almost Perfect Husband*
*By Wives Who Know Women’s Advice on Pleasing Your Wife

This book, which I’ll call HTBTAPH*BWWKWAOPYW for short, is a compilation of advice taken from a thousand wives who were asked, “If you could tell someone how to be the almost perfect husband, what would you tell them?” In a perfect world, this would lead to a very usable list of things women want. However, in the world we live in, it’s one-hundred pages of jaded housewives complaining about the pigs they have to clean up after.

Sample Advice:

Alyson, a 68-year-old wife says, “Please! Put your teeth in your mouth before you kiss me. I’d rather be bitten than gummed!”

Why is Alyson wasting her time giving tips for this crappy compilation book? This is a woman who gets to remind her husband not to rub his toothless mummy gums against her; she could write an entire series of books on perfecting a marriage!

Realism: 9/10
With tips like, “When I’m talking to you, don’t point the TV remote and click it at me!”, you’re probably following most of this advice already. And if you’re not, there’s a good chance you don’t care.

Emasculation: 4/10
You can still feel like a man without scowling at meatloaf and clicking the TV remote at your nagging wife. However, the book still got an Emasculation rating of four because of the advice given by 47-year-old Sally. When I read, “Tell her you love her three times a day. ‘I love you’ is like mayonnaise. It has a very short shelf life,” it was so fruity that it turned my penis inside out.

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