Complete Idiots

i'm on vacation this week so here's a little treat from the intertube's foremost humorist, seanbaby

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The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being Vegetarian

Vegetarianism has baffled people for many years. Underwear labels and their singing, dancing fruit have all but destroyed the line we were once able to draw between vegetable and animal. To save you $20, 352 pages and a trip to the bookstore, idiots looking to become vegetarians can read the following sentence, after this one. In general, the key to being a vegetarian is this: If your food would at one point have tried to eat you and you are not fertilizer, send it back.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem

I understand and acknowledge that the term ''Complete Idiot'' in the titles of these books might be a cute nickname for people who only suffer from partial idiocy, but when a person is trying to improve their self-esteem with a book, the last thing they need is to get called names every single time they do it. That's like throwing a raging kegger for recovering alcoholics or printing fitness tips on a hot dog. If keeping the ''Complete Idiot'' brand name in the title was so important to the author, it should have been called ''Enhancing Self-Esteem for the Complete Idiot Who May Also Have Interesting Hobbies and Pleasant Breath.''

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You can catch the rest of the article here.

Begging Your Pardon

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." -Og Mandino

Oh, for Pete’s sake, it’s a hug.

Pardon my incredulity but it’s a hug.

Excuse my Utah-ness... it’s a FETCHIN' HUG.

Has the world gone mad?

Time to face facts, guys. We are men. As such we are obligated to fulfill our very understandable, very simple, very human needs. And friendship is one of them.

It may even be primary among them. Okay, perhaps secondary to procreating but easily ranking above self-preservation. Friendship, companionship, and community are what we base everything in our world on.

Some among you might be uncomfortable with physical contact; hugging, in particular, might be unwanted. Fine, ask not to be hugged or do the missionary thing.*

Some of you might be uncomfortable risking others discomfort. Does the guy at the mall handing out sesame chicken samples worry if someone somewhere might be offended by being offered meat? Or sesame seeds?

Some among you may fear what a hug might lead to. It’s easy to imagine every great romance in history started with a hug. But I’ll guarantee a lot of other stuff happened between the hug and sex phases of the relationship.

And if anyone out there thinks they’re so uncontrollably attractive we’re going to spontaneously embarrass ourselves should we ever shake hands...

Get over yourself. :P

*Throw your hand out for a handshake quickly and firmly. Stay determined to convert the hug. Sister Johansen is really happy the discussion went well. Too happy.

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good tune
http://djpretzel.web.aplus.net/songs/Castlevania_Wicked_Six_OC_ReMix.mp3

This Ain't a Scene

it's a gosh darn arms race

Lady Co-worker: Could you believe that guy? He would just leer at every women who walked by.

Playasinmar: All guys do that.

Lady: Not my husband!

Playa: Sure he does. You just trained him to hide it.

Lady: Men are perverts.

Playa: No they aren’t.* Men are men. That’s one of the things men do.

Lady: You don’t do that.

Playa: Yes, well [ahem] I’m well-mannered.

*Well, maybe they are. Maybe. :)

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good tune
http://djpretzel.web.aplus.net/songs/Castlevania_2_Simons_Town_OC_ReMix.mp3

We Are Sam. Sam We Are.

because the ones who think they’re beyond reproach are, in fact, funniest


[knock, knock]


Who’s there?


Immune


Immune, who?


Immune from being considered funny. For we have heaped upon ourselves the trials and tribulations of our people. For we are one voice and one mind. For we are many. For we are Legion.


And as much as one of us have suffered; each of us have suffered. And in as much as one of us has been scorned; each of us has been scorned. And we are to be feared when we have been scorned.*


And, in all honesty, we had no idea the pillow fight was in slow motion. We think the editors might have put that together using special effects or a special camera. Point is, we think it was done after the fact.


Um…, no. Thank you. :)


*Please, please read this article.


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good tune
http://djpretzel.web.aplus.net/songs/Zelda_Rabbit_Joint_Cover_OC_ReMix.mp3