it's three I hate but it's one I dread the most
At first, we can't see any good time, place, or reason to come out of the closet. We can only see the act as a violent upheaval of what we appreciate to be the status quo. Eventually we all do tell those we love most but why? What makes us hesitate and what makes us finally tell and risk our stability?
I propose that fear is the great motivator for both. Fear hides our secret. Fear leads us to forge false identities. Fear binds us in silence.
Even here in the anonymous-as-you-like blogosphere we hide. We are unwilling to use names. Unwilling to post pictures. Unwilling to expose our secret to the light.
Paradoxically it is fear that ultimately forces us from the terrible closet. Fear of being exposed. Fear of what we become while trapped in there. Fear of what we think about doing to ourselves.
Exposure is what I have always feared the most. I feared being found out every day I kept my secret until I was twenty-four. I was afraid of each thing I listed prior. Coming out defeated nearly every fear I held dear... except for one: Fear of the Dread Three Questions.
Dread Question 1 is the arrogant one: "Should we have recognized the signs?"
Yes, you should have. You should have known when I dropped out of coach pitch I was gay. You should have known that when I didn't like football by Jr. High I was gay. You should have known that when I refused to go to my Senior Prom because I was saving for my mission I was a raving queen.
Dread Question 2 is the ignorant one: "Are you sexually active?/Do you have an STD?"
I just would rather never, ever answer this question. Ever.
Dread Question 3 is the big one: "Are you attracted to me?"
Honestly, after all this time I'm not sure if it would be worse if I was asked this by a male or a female. If a girl asked it would probably be because she believed I was a romantic interest. Saying "no" would hurt her feelings and "yes" would only be a lie.
If a guy asked (and each of my closest friends are male) I would have to answer "no." I think on some level no guy, however straight, wants to hear they are unattractive but by no means do they want their attractiveness confirmed by me!*
If you have a Dread Question I missed or a funny/mortifying story about one of these three let me know and I'll compile them in a future post.
*Fortunately, and I swear this is true, none of my closest friends (the ones I've known and lived with for years and years) are attractive. Honesty is the best policy.