02 February 2007

Contents Undercover

and contents under pressure.

Still closeted, I've begun to wonder what it would take to prevent my friends from rejecting me when they find out I‘m gay. Try as I might, I can't conceive a more pointless endeavor. Nevertheless... maybe one of them needs a kidney. If I gave them mine would that be a final proof of goodness? Is that friendship on a grand and fantastic scale? Could such as an act prevent them from rejecting me? Or would it merely force them into a closet once I leave my own? There they would be concealed, never able to express their own feelings; trapped by insurmountable feelings of guilt. The guilt of feeling uncomfortable around me. I never wish The Closet on anyone. It’s exactly what I am trying to escape. Oh, irony, why wont thou forsake me!?

I stand by my opinion that these are good people. I haven’t surrounded myself with friends who openly hate what I truly am. These friendships are good ones. They are people with whom I hold the deepest respect and admiration. Friends I feel I could share almost any secret with.*

If they leave me there is one school of thought that it will be “they were never really your friends." The truth is my secret is overwhelming and not everyone can handle it. I've read stories of parents who divorce when a child becomes terminally ill. It is not to say that they don’t love each other and of course both love the child but otherwise good people will crack under pressure.

A pressure I don’t know how to relieve in advance.

*If I finally tell them it will only be because I value their opinions on so many topics.


good tune

1 comment:

-L- said...

Dude. You spend a lot of time worrying. I need to keep reading to find out, I suppose, but have you had any counseling? Telling someone face to face might be a really good step for you. But, of course, counseling can be a lot more than that.

I'm not one to tell my friends and co-workers because I don't think it's any of their business. But I honestly believe that if I did, the vast majority would be accepting and positive about it.