a summary of my three favorite promises in all Mormondom
The Atonement Will Make You Straight.* And why not? Being gay is a sin. The Atonement cleanses sin from our lives. It makes sense. I just have to be faithful and diligent in my church responsibilities. If I ever fail I’ll be cast into hell so I better be as neurotic and vocal about my devotion as possible!
Marrying a Woman Will Make You Straight.* Not exactly sure where this idea came from. My guess is Stake Presidents. Stake Presidents recommend marriage as the default solution to everything** so maybe it’s not a recommendation based on dangerous ignorance.
The Mission Will Make You Straight. A unique promise because it’s not offered by the church but rather by young gay men to themselves. In a way it makes perfect sense: “If I dedicate two entire years of my life, a tithe on my very youth, in perfect service of God’s mighty work surely he’ll grant me this one thing.” And then, after two years of close, male-only contact and emotional bonding with companions who are usually nudists the gay teenager returns home a gay man. Disappointed and usually suicidal.
*It’s worth noting that, at this time, neither of the first two promises is officially offered. They’ve been replaced by: You’ll be Straight in the Next Life AKA You’ll be Straight Once You Finally Die.
**Gay? Get married! Depressed missionary? Get married! Tax evasion? Get Married!